Dear Human, thank you for attending your annual review. Please take a seat, preferably the one beside me. The agenda is brief, although there may be a pause if something interesting happens near the window.
This is an imaginary review written for a smile, not a translation of animal thoughts. There are no scientific findings hidden in the stationery. Your real companion is an individual, not an employee with a secret spreadsheet.
Overall performance: very much appreciated
Let us begin with your strengths. You have shown admirable commitment to turning up. Most days, you arrive in the same familiar places and say the same slightly ridiculous things. This consistency has not gone unnoticed by the fictional review committee.
Your ability to produce a blanket when one is needed is particularly valuable. So is your willingness to remain nearby while nothing much happens.
You sometimes describe these quiet moments as doing nothing. The committee would like to suggest that being comfortable together is already a perfectly respectable use of an afternoon.
Door service: further discussion required
You have opened a significant number of doors this year. However, you occasionally seem puzzled when the person requesting the door does not immediately go through it.
Please understand that our fictional department distinguishes between wanting a door open and wanting to change rooms. These are separate matters. Your training materials may have failed to explain the distinction.
It is also noted that you sometimes close the door again. This creates additional paperwork in the form of standing nearby and looking at it.
The real-life amendment is kinder and simpler: keep whatever boundaries your home needs, offer suitable spaces, and do not assume an animal is trying to inconvenience you.
Dinner administration: an enthusiastic department
The dinner department is pleased that you remember where the food is kept. The sound of its preparation has become a familiar part of the household schedule.
There have been several fictional complaints about your habit of checking the time before serving a meal. The department would prefer a more flexible arrangement, particularly one in which every trip to the kitchen counts as an opportunity.
Your commitment to a sensible routine is nevertheless accepted. So is the disappointing fact that your own dinner is not necessarily available for sharing.
This section is a joke about human routines, not feeding advice. Actual food choices, portions and changes in appetite belong to the needs of the individual animal.
Photography: promising, with room to improve
You took several beautiful photographs this year. Unfortunately, many of your most enthusiastic compliments were delivered after the subject had moved out of frame.
You are encouraged to recognise the artistic value of a slightly blurred tail. Not every image needs both ears. A picture showing only the place where a pet was sitting may be considered an advanced study in anticipation.
The committee appreciates your recent progress in putting down the camera and enjoying the actual moment. A pet does not need to pose, wear something uncomfortable or remain in one position to make a memory worth keeping.
Time spent together: a clear strength
There is a particular kind of ordinary day that rarely makes it into a photograph. You move around the house, get on with your work, make something to eat, and return to a familiar seat.
Somewhere within that routine is a companion with a familiar way of taking up space. Perhaps they rest nearby. Perhaps they check in briefly and leave again. Perhaps they prefer another room altogether.
The fictional review can make a joke about any of these arrangements, but the lovely part is the real attention underneath it: noticing what is comfortable for this animal, in this home, at this point in their life.
Goals for the coming year
Keep doing the small, thoughtful things. Make room for play when it suits your companion. Make room for rest too. Learn which photographs can wait and which quiet moments need no photograph at all.
Do not turn the review into a scorecard. There is no perfect pet person and no imaginary manager who can measure affection through the number of toys, walks or pictures in a phone.
The final recommendation is that you remain in your current position as much-loved human, with immediate access to the available chair. Whether that chair is actually available remains subject to another household policy.
For practical reading outside the imaginary office, visit our cat guides or dog guides. More affectionate nonsense is waiting in Funny.